Back Off Bitch, I'm Married!

The parking lot was crowded; the music loud and raunchy
Got wilder by the minute, hell bent on fun and play
Suspect I over did it; of that I'm almost certain
“Now honey don't go crazy”, I could almost hear her say

My plan for home was simple; just get the front door open
Slip in without a sound and give the switch a pass
The couch, I tumbled over; the light stand, I knocked over
Onto our coffee table and smashed all the glass

My memory is hazy of events of that evening
My best friend's stag was something, of that I do recall
Strippers were swinging and liquor ever flowing
And my love's words of warning I recall most of all

While on the floor I lay, morning came a leaping
The room spins, my head pounds, my ribs throb a fright
And as my eyes did focus, the new day came a rushing
“Oh Sweet Lord please strike me now! I wish I'd died last night."

After a moment, I noticed a glass of water
A bottle of aspirin and a note addressed to me
It said: “I went to the store to re-place all the stuff you've broken.”
“Hope you're feelin' better soon. Love and kisses honey bee!”

My memory is hazy of events of that evening
My best friend's stag was something, of that I do recall
Strippers were swinging and liquor overflowing
And my love's words of warning I recall most of all

The Ford pulled in; the truck door slammed; in the house she came
I stammered: “I'm so sorry”, thinking I was dead
“I forgave you last night” she smiled; then led me to our bedroom
Peeled off my trousers and proved that we're still wed

My memory is hazy of events of that evening
My best friend's stag was something, of that I do recall
Strippers were swinging and liquor overflowing
And my love's words of warning I recall most of all

My head, it did pound but what a small price to pay
For the kind of forgiveness I earned that day
With love in my arms, I dared to ask her
“What did I do or say that could make this all okay?"

Then she said: “When you came home last night, a weapon of mass destruction”
“My big beautiful husband, passed out on the ground”
“Too heavy to move, I didn't know what to do”
“I kicked you in the ribs; you didn't make a sound”

“So as you lay there sleeping, I decided to undress you”
“Stripped off your shirt; took off your shoes, but the second I touched your belt”
“Your eyes flew wide open and you grabbed my hands and hollered”
“Back off bitch! I'm married! And you passed right out again.”

My memory is hazy of events of that evening
My best friend's stag was something, of that I do recall
Strippers were swinging and liquor ever flowing
And my love's words of warning I recall most of all
Strippers were swinging and liquor overflowing
And my love's words of warning I recall most of all