Bus Driver

*Engine running*

[ZACH as BUS DRIVER, singing]
Drivin' the bus, in the neighborhood
It's a beautiful day and I'm feelin' good
Drivin' the bus, pickin' up people
The people that need to go to work
Bum, bum

*Bus stops*

*Bus door opens*

[BUS DRIVER, spoken]
Oh, hey there Charlie!

[DARREN as CHARLIE]
Mornin', Brian! Beautiful day, huh? Here's your seventy five cents.

[BUS DRIVER]
Well, thank you, Charlie!

[CHARLIE]
Thank you for taking me to work!

[BUS DRIVER]
That's my job!

*Engine resumes*

[BUS DRIVER, singing]
Drivin' the bus, a-pickin' up people
The people that need to go to work
A-turnin' on Mont Street, and-

[BUS DRIVER, spoken]
Oh! There's Ms. Morgan!

*Bus stops*

*Bus door opens*

[TIMMY as MS. MORGAN]
Hi-ya, Brian! Lovely day!

[BUS DRIVER]
Indeed! You are lookin' very beautiful this mornin'! I love that broach you have on.

[MS. MORGAN]
Ah, thank you, Brian! My grandchildren gave it to me.
Hi, Charlie!

[CHARLIE]
Hi, Mrs. M! Off to the store?

[MS. MORGAN]
That's right!

[BUS DRIVER]
Well, I'll get you there in a hurry.

[MS. MORGAN]
Thank you, Brian.

*Engine resumes*

[BUS DRIVER, singing]
Drivin' the bus, a-pickin' up people
The people on the route of life .
A-drivin' the b-

(Simultaneously, in the background)
[CHARLIE]
So, Ms. Morgan, how're your children doing?

[MS. MORGAN]
Oh, they're all right, you know. Mary had another child, that's three for her-

[CHARLIE]
Oh!

[MS. MORGAN]
So I'm three times a grandma, now!

[BUS DRIVER]
-oh, fuck!

*Bus stops*

[BUS DRIVER, under his breath]
God damn it.

*Bus door opens*

[TREVOR as PATRICK]
Hey guys.

[BUS DRIVER]
Seventy five cents.

[PATRICK]
Uh, sure, hold on.

*Change falls to the floor*

[PATRICK]
Oh, sorry. Drat!
Here you go. And, there you go. And, there's five pennies.

*Engine resumes*

[PATRICK]
Hey. Hi, Ms. Morgan.
It's a lovely day, isn't it?
That sure is a-a pretty broach you have on, Ms. Morgan.
This is my stop.

*Ding*

*Bus stops*

[PATRICK]
Here's my stop.

*Bus door opens*

[PATRICK]
Bye. Have a good day, everybody

*Engine resumes*

[BUS DRIVER, singing]
Droppin' off people
Drivin' in on the-

[CHARLIE and MS. MORGAN resume conversation in background]

*Knock at window*

[PATRICK, yelling]
Hey!

[BUS DRIVER]
Oh, god-

[PATRICK]
Hey! Bus driver!

[BUS DRIVER]
Oh, god damn it!

[PATRICK]
Stop the bus!

*Bus stops*

[PATRICK]
Hey!

*Bus door opens*

[PATRICK, out of breath]
Ah, I j-, I'm, I'm so sorry. Thank you for stopping.

[BUS DRIVER]
What is it?

[PATRICK]
I'm-I'm afraid I left my wallet on the seat.
*Footsteps*
Thanks for stopping. Sorry, sorry everybody!

[BUS DRIVER]
Just get it.

[PATRICK]
Okay. Sorry everybody. Uh, okay. I think I was sitting back here, and- ah, there it is! Heh, right there in my seat! Thanks. So sorry, everybody. Have a good day, again. Sorry. Goodbye, goodbye.

*Engine resumes*

[PATRICK, distant]
Goodbye, thanks again!

[BUS DRIVER, singing]
Drivin' the bus-

*Knock at window*

[PATRICK, yelling]
Hey!

[BUS DRIVER]
Oh!

[PATRICK]
Hey hey hey hey! Hey! Hey!

*Bus stops*

[PATRICK]
Hey! Stop the bus!

*Bus door opens*

[BUS DRIVER]
What is it, Patrick?!

[PATRICK, out of breath]
You're not gonna believe this. But-

[BUS DRIVER]
What!

[PATRICK]
I think I left my shoe on the bus.

[BUS DRIVER]
Your shoe, Patrick?

[PATRICK]
Yeah. Uh, see, I took it off 'cause I usually keep my keys in there, and I was gonna make sure that I didn't leave them , 'cause I'm always forgettin' stuff on the bus, as you know. And, I think I just left my whole darn shoe.

[BUS DRIVER]
Get your shoe and get off the bus.

[PATRICK]
Okay. Sorry.
*Footsteps*
Sorry again, everybody. I-I, I know this is an inconvenience.

[MS. MORGAN]
Get your shoe, Patrick.

[PATRICK]
I will, Ms. Morgan. I-I'm so sorry.
Now, where is it? Where, where is it? Uh- oh! Here it is. Sorry.
Oh, man. It's really knotted.

[BUS DRIVER]
Patrick, I have a schedule to keep!

[PATRICK]
I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I just-I just have to sit down for a second and try to unknot my shoe. This one is really in there, it's a- man, it's a real dinger, this one. I keep tryin' to-

[MS. MORGAN]
Patrick, get the fuck off the bus. Now.

[CHARLIE]
Get off the bus!

[BUS DRIVER]
Off the bus, Patrick!

[PATRICK]
Ok-okay, al-alright. I'll put on my shoe outside. Okay. I-I know you guys are late, and it's partially my fault, so I-

[CHARLIE]
Get off the bus, Patrick!

[BUS DRIVER]
Patrick, check around, make sure you have everything that you had when you came onto the bus, and then GET OFF THE BUS!

[PATRICK]
Ok- uh, okay, okay, okay. That's a- that's a very good idea. Thank you for that. Um, I'll do that. Uh, let me see. Alright. I-I have my wallet. Um, I got my phone, and- oh! Oh, see! I-I almost left my newspaper on the seat. Oh, that was-that worked! See, okay now I'm just gonna pick up my newspaper-

[MS. MORGAN]
Patrick, you just put your fucking phone down to pick up the newspaper, you shithead!

[PATRICK]
No I didn't! Th- oh my god! I did! Thank you, Ms. Morgan!

[MS. MORGAN]
Fuck you, Patrick!

[BUS DRIVER]
Patrick, get off the bus!

[PATRICK]
Okay, I'm getting off. I'm sorry again, I'm sorry. Sorry everybody. Bye everybody.

[CHARLIE]
Get off!

[PATRICK]
Okay, I will. I am. I-I did.

*Engine resumes*

[PATRICK, distant]
I'm really sorry guys.

[BUS DRIVER]
Thank you, Lord.

[BUS DRIVER, singing]
Drivin' the bus-

[PATRICK, yelling]
HEY!

[BUS DRIVER]
Oh my god!

[PATRICK]
Stop the bus!

[CHARLIE]
Son of a bitch!

[PATRICK]
Stop the bus!

[MS. MORGAN]
Run him the fuck over!

[BUS DRIVER]
I have to stop.

[CHARLIE]
Don't stop, are you crazy?

[PATRICK]
Stop the bus, hey!

[BUS DRIVER]
I have to, it's the bus driver's code!

*Bus stops*

[PATRICK]
Stop stop stop stop stop stop!

*Bus door opens*

[PATRICK, out of breath]
You aren't gonna believe this.

[BUS DRIVER]
PATRICK!

[PATRICK]
I know you're mad, I know you're mad, and I understand. I just- I think my key fell out of my shoe when I was checkin' for it, 'cause it's not in there anymore, so I just gotta quick scan of the back seat, and then I'm done.

[BUS DRIVER]
Patrick, every morning, these good people are late for work because of you and your retardery.

[PATRICK]
I know, I know, and I'm sorry, and it will never happen again.

[MS. MORGAN]
BULLSHIT! LIAR!

[CHARLIE]
I'm gonna punch you in the face!

[PATRICK]
Oh, please don't do that, Charlie. I-I, I'm sorry.
Uh, now, now, where was that key, 'cause- I had it in my shoe, and-and, I had it where-
Oh my god. I have it. It's in my pocket. I have it. I have it right here. I am so sorry.

[MS. MORGAN]
RUINER! RUINER!

[CHARLIE]
Get the fuck off the bus, you bastard!

[BUS DRIVER]
OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! NOW, Patrick!

[PATRICK]
I'm going, I'm going, I'm going! I am so sorry!
I'm havin' a party at my place on Friday, and- I was wondering if you guys wanted to go.

[BUS DRIVER]
Patrick!

[PATRICK]
Hah, I know, I know, I'm just- I'm inviting all of my friends, and-and since we ride the bus together every day, I thought that, y'know, hey! So, I made you all specialized, personal invitations. I, uh, I have one for you Ms. Morgan. There you go. I drew your grandkids on it.

[MS. MORGAN]
Fuck you, Patrick.

[PATRICK]
Here's yours, Charlie.

[CHARLIE]
Go fuck yourself, Patrick.

[PATRICK]
I didn't know your name, sir, 'cause I always just call you Mr. Driver, so-

[BUS DRIVER]
I'm not going to your stupid party, Patrick. Get off the bus.

[PATRICK]
Okay, well. If you change your mind, there's a number on there to RSVP-

[BUS DRIVER]
Get off. The bus.

[PATRICK]
Okay, I-I just wanted to know how much chips to buy, so-

[MS. MORGAN]
Get off! Get off, now Patrick! You piece of forgetful SHIT!

[CHARLIE]
Go!

[PATRICK]
Okay, okay, okay. Sorry, bye. I-I'm going.

*Engine resumes*

[BUS DRIVER, singing]
Drivin' the bus, pickin' up people
The people that need to go to work
A-bum, bum