Act Two, Scene IV: "A fair bit of gravity"
By The Granite Shore (2015)
On album Once More From The Top (2015)
Go back to your search "Tony do you want me"
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A hotel room. Tony and Rich are sitting on twin beds
Tony: Got any new songs yet? Studio's booked, y'know
Rich: Do you think I just jot down the first thing that comes into my head on the back of a fag packet, and it miraculously rhymes and comes with a tune?
Tony: Er... Well...
Rich: Oh for the love of... It's a lot of work, for me, at least. I need to know what the song's trying to say, then I need to work out the logic, sometimes it can take ages to get it right
Tony: We don't have ages for you to get it right. We're in the studio this week, then that's it. Do you know how many favours I had to pull in to get this?
Rich: You guilt-tripped poor Amanda; don't think I don't know and don't think I'm going to forgive you for that
Tony: But she wanted to do it, for you! You're not gonna let her down, are you? You must have something left to say
Rich: I'm not sure that I do
Tony: Sometimes I don't know what planet you're on, mate
Rich: One with a fair bit of gravity, anyway
Tony: You what?
Rich: All right, help me out here. Why am I writing this song you're so keen on? I mean, as the actress said to the bishop, "what's my motivation"?
Tony: Hey! That's quite good. [Sings softly to himself] "...so as the actress said on the bishop's bed: 'what's my motivation?'"
Rich: Are you going to want a credit for adding the words "so" and "bed"?
Tony: [Looks guilty, then puzzled] Er... Actually no. So when'll it be finished, then?
Rich: Hang on, that's not enough. What's the song about?
Tony: A bishop and an actress. Bishop... Bishop... Chess? Bashing the bishop?
Rich: You can't say "actress" anyway, they're all "ac-tors" now
Tony: Sod that for a game of soldiers
Rich: Look, as we're here and it's just the two of us...
Tony: Like the old days!
Rich: These are our old days
Tony: Speak for yourself, mate! You're as old as the...
Rich: Hills, Tony. Look, there's something I've always wanted to know
Tony: Name it!
Rich: Oh I can name things. I'm just not so good at understanding them afterwards
Tony: What are you on about? What d'you wanna know?
Rich: When we were playing...
Tony: You mean the other night?
Rich: Any time we were playing, now or back in the day...
Tony: Right...
Rich: How did it make you feel?
Tony: Me?
Rich: Yes. You
Tony: [Bewildered] I don't know that I ever feel anything much. On a good night, singing the right songs, it's more like I switch off altogether and something's coming through me. If anything I s'pose sometimes....
Rich: Yes?
Tony: Sometimes... It's like coming out of a trance afterwards and that can be a bit scary, like I'm the only person who's missed the show. Is that what you meant?
Rich: You've answered the question, yes. And thank you
Tony: Pleasure, mate. What about you? Is that what you felt?
Rich: Oh no, to me it was more like... Like a feeling that we were one. And we had power
Tony: What, like hypnotism or something?
Rich: [Thinks] Mmm, not really. It was just a raw, unbridled force... Like a storm
Tony: Rich... I sometimes wonder... I mean, I know we're old mates and all that but...
Rich: Yes? You may as well ask
Tony: Well, I've never been sure whether you actually like me much
Rich: No, neither have I
Tony: [Hurt] Oh
Rich: You great oaf. You're like a brother, that's all. Liking doesn't come into it. You drive me to distraction most of the time but... I...
Tony: [Brightening visibly] Steady on!
Rich: Look, just so we're clear, if the songs come...
Tony: They will and they'll be brilliant!
Rich: If they come we'll do a record and, if it's any good, put it out. Maybe another couple of gigs, if anyone'll have us
Tony: It'll be fantastic! A new lease of life!
Rich: Perhaps, but it is only a lease, not a freehold. Once we're done I'm going back to my life and you're to leave Amanda alone. Just be her Uncle Tony again, she's fond of you for some bizarre reason... So I want your word you'll let her be
Tony: I... Look, I was never trying to... I just wanted...
Rich: I know. Give me your word. In fact sing it to me so I know you're telling the truth
Tony: You'll have to write it down
Rich: Hang on a sec. [Tears off a piece of paper, scribbles something on it and hands it to Tony]
Tony: [Sings] I give you my word
And the word is the law
That when all this is over
I shall withdraw
[Chortles] Oo-er missus!
Rich: Not one of my best but it'll do
Tony: Come on, just add a chorus, then second-verse-same-as-the-first and...
Rich: If I write something I'll do it properly
Tony: [Shrugs] OK, but seriously, we're running out of time
Rich: Don't I know it
Tony: Got any new songs yet? Studio's booked, y'know
Rich: Do you think I just jot down the first thing that comes into my head on the back of a fag packet, and it miraculously rhymes and comes with a tune?
Tony: Er... Well...
Rich: Oh for the love of... It's a lot of work, for me, at least. I need to know what the song's trying to say, then I need to work out the logic, sometimes it can take ages to get it right
Tony: We don't have ages for you to get it right. We're in the studio this week, then that's it. Do you know how many favours I had to pull in to get this?
Rich: You guilt-tripped poor Amanda; don't think I don't know and don't think I'm going to forgive you for that
Tony: But she wanted to do it, for you! You're not gonna let her down, are you? You must have something left to say
Rich: I'm not sure that I do
Tony: Sometimes I don't know what planet you're on, mate
Rich: One with a fair bit of gravity, anyway
Tony: You what?
Rich: All right, help me out here. Why am I writing this song you're so keen on? I mean, as the actress said to the bishop, "what's my motivation"?
Tony: Hey! That's quite good. [Sings softly to himself] "...so as the actress said on the bishop's bed: 'what's my motivation?'"
Rich: Are you going to want a credit for adding the words "so" and "bed"?
Tony: [Looks guilty, then puzzled] Er... Actually no. So when'll it be finished, then?
Rich: Hang on, that's not enough. What's the song about?
Tony: A bishop and an actress. Bishop... Bishop... Chess? Bashing the bishop?
Rich: You can't say "actress" anyway, they're all "ac-tors" now
Tony: Sod that for a game of soldiers
Rich: Look, as we're here and it's just the two of us...
Tony: Like the old days!
Rich: These are our old days
Tony: Speak for yourself, mate! You're as old as the...
Rich: Hills, Tony. Look, there's something I've always wanted to know
Tony: Name it!
Rich: Oh I can name things. I'm just not so good at understanding them afterwards
Tony: What are you on about? What d'you wanna know?
Rich: When we were playing...
Tony: You mean the other night?
Rich: Any time we were playing, now or back in the day...
Tony: Right...
Rich: How did it make you feel?
Tony: Me?
Rich: Yes. You
Tony: [Bewildered] I don't know that I ever feel anything much. On a good night, singing the right songs, it's more like I switch off altogether and something's coming through me. If anything I s'pose sometimes....
Rich: Yes?
Tony: Sometimes... It's like coming out of a trance afterwards and that can be a bit scary, like I'm the only person who's missed the show. Is that what you meant?
Rich: You've answered the question, yes. And thank you
Tony: Pleasure, mate. What about you? Is that what you felt?
Rich: Oh no, to me it was more like... Like a feeling that we were one. And we had power
Tony: What, like hypnotism or something?
Rich: [Thinks] Mmm, not really. It was just a raw, unbridled force... Like a storm
Tony: Rich... I sometimes wonder... I mean, I know we're old mates and all that but...
Rich: Yes? You may as well ask
Tony: Well, I've never been sure whether you actually like me much
Rich: No, neither have I
Tony: [Hurt] Oh
Rich: You great oaf. You're like a brother, that's all. Liking doesn't come into it. You drive me to distraction most of the time but... I...
Tony: [Brightening visibly] Steady on!
Rich: Look, just so we're clear, if the songs come...
Tony: They will and they'll be brilliant!
Rich: If they come we'll do a record and, if it's any good, put it out. Maybe another couple of gigs, if anyone'll have us
Tony: It'll be fantastic! A new lease of life!
Rich: Perhaps, but it is only a lease, not a freehold. Once we're done I'm going back to my life and you're to leave Amanda alone. Just be her Uncle Tony again, she's fond of you for some bizarre reason... So I want your word you'll let her be
Tony: I... Look, I was never trying to... I just wanted...
Rich: I know. Give me your word. In fact sing it to me so I know you're telling the truth
Tony: You'll have to write it down
Rich: Hang on a sec. [Tears off a piece of paper, scribbles something on it and hands it to Tony]
Tony: [Sings] I give you my word
And the word is the law
That when all this is over
I shall withdraw
[Chortles] Oo-er missus!
Rich: Not one of my best but it'll do
Tony: Come on, just add a chorus, then second-verse-same-as-the-first and...
Rich: If I write something I'll do it properly
Tony: [Shrugs] OK, but seriously, we're running out of time
Rich: Don't I know it
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