The Vidiot

[Ken]
Tonight I have a friend with me here, who is hooked on TV. Jim, when did you first contract the TV habit?

[Jim]
Three years ago Ken I uh, became, vidiot

[Ken]
Vidiot? Is this a term that uh, I don't understand too much about being-

[Jim]
Well, that's what we people call ourselves

[Ken]
Vidiots

[Jim]
Yeah

[Ken]
Well, how did this happen? How did you get into this, this terrible situation that has torn your soul so far apart?

[Jim]
Oh it was, when I started watching uh, Milton Berle

[Ken]
Milton Berle... um...

[Jim]
Well, I got sort of wrapped up in-

[Ken]
Was this a friend of yours?

[Jim]
No, he's a fellow that's on television!

[Ken]
Oh, I see

[Jim]
I see you don't watch television very much, huh?

[Ken]
Well I, I have had uh, other interests and that's why I- but we're discussing you

[Jim]
Oh, yeah

[Ken]
Uh, Milton Berle was the fellow that um, put you on this uh-

[Jim]
Yeah I got wrapped up in the show Ken. It just uh, the sort of thing that made me feel, relaxed and uh, forget my troubles and worries and, I-

[Ken]
Would you start out with a, just a, watching a little bit, huh?

[Jim]
Yeah, just a little bit. Few hours a day at first

[Ken]
And then uh, how much are you watching now?

[Jim]
Well I figure it's uh, fifteen hours, Ken

[Ken]
Fifteen hours and you, how long do you sleep?

[Jim]
Well I usually get about a, four, five hour sleep

[Ken]
Oh I see, well that leaves fifteen hours that you watch TV and four or five hours that, you, how long do you work? Uh, four or five hours a day, or?

[Jim]
Yeah I'll- when I work

[Ken]
Oh there are days when you don't even work, you just-

[Jim]
I can't!

[Ken]
Well why not-

[Jim]
I have to watch television!

[Ken]
Oh... Well, unless you-

[Jim]
I got a TV set in my car too, you know that?

[Ken]
In your car?

[Jim]
Yeah

[Ken]
Well that will have to go right away

[Jim]
Well they say it's illegal but uh, I don't care, uh, I can't miss uh Godfrey and uh... Do you realize I'm missing uh, Steve Allen right now?

[Ken]
I had no idea, who is this?

[Jim]
This is the longest I've been away from a set in, two years

[Ken]
Steve Allen? Is this some friend of yours that you watch television with?

[Jim]
He's on television! He's a star-

[Ken]
Well the same way you're on television!

[Jim]
He's a star on television!

[Ken]
He's a star on television... What do you mean, he's one of the guys that you're hooked with? I mean you watch him?

[Jim]
Yeah! Yeah

[Ken]
What does he give you

[Jim]
Uh, entertainment. Makes me laugh. Makes me forget my worries

[Ken]
Well you mustn't have any worries at all if you're watching television fifteen hours a day

[Jim]
Well that's why I came here too, and I don't know just why I have 'em, uh-

[Ken]
What's your problem

[Jim]
I shouldn't have any worries because, uh, television makes me, happy again but...

[Ken]
What's your problem

[Jim]
I'm worried

[Ken]
About what?

[Jim]
I watch too much television

[Ken]
If television gives you what you say it gives you-

[Jim]
I can feel- PAINS starting right- NOW I've gotta have a set

[Ken]
You've got to have a set?

[Jim]
Turn on that set, will you Ken?

[Ken]
No, I, I, that set is, is, is uh, not connected. That is not a-

[Jim]
Turn it on, will you?

[Ken]
No, that is not a-

[Jim]
I'm starting to get, these PAINS!

[Ken]
Listen, I don't care who's on television right now

[Jim]
Oh! Ken! Turn it on!

[Ken]
There's probably nothing but an old late movie!

[Jim]
I don't care!

[Ken]
It's not worth it!

[Jim]
It is! Turn it on, please!

[Ken]
Listen, read this book, here, try this

[Jim]
Turn it on!

[Ken]
Here's a little advert company book. *sound of objects being knocked over* Man...

[Jim]
I just gotta get a hold of that set! Turn it on! *struggling* Oh, these pains are too much!

[Ken]
Alright, let me help you, let me help you, I'll just let you watch for a few seconds, there you are! *click*

[Jim]
Oh, oh that's much better

[Ken]
Alright. See what a, shameful... shameful...

[Jim]
Oh, there he is. I don't even need the audio you know, I don't need the audio. Just the video

[Ken]
Shameful... shameful... shameful...

[Jim]
Oh, that's great

[Ken]
Oh, there's nothing I can do for you

[Jim]
Feel much better

[Ken]
Y'know I think you're going to have to give yourself up, you're beyond my treatment. I think that's all you can do is to just give yourself up

[Jim]
You can turn it off for a minute now, I'll run right home and uh, watch it. See you later Ken! *door closes*

[Ken]
Well, one of the many problems that I face, well, wait a minute I- I think I'll turn this set on myself. My gosh... it's beautiful! My, it's in black and white! And there's a lovely musician standing in the center of the screen! He's got a guitar! And he's got-... he's all hair!