Sam Head & Sex Education

Ray: Well folks it's time to bring on a — well, I guess the man himself, speaks for himself. How are ya doing Uncle Sam?
Sam: How are ya doing Ray?
Ray: I'm not too bad sir and yourself?
Sam: I gotta bad back.
Ray: You gotta back back?
Sam: Wha?
Ray: You gotta back back?
Sam: No, I said I'm not that bad b'y, no.
Wayne: You're pretty good Sam?
Sam: Yeah, how are you doing Chaulkie by?
Wayne: Good b'y.
Sam: Yes, b'y, yes.
Wayne: Sam, how's your wife?
Sam: By she's just as big and fat and hugly as ever.
Wayne: Sam old man, you can't talk like that about your wife.
Sam: Yes, I can, I lived with the woman for the past 60 years and I can talk about her the way I wants!
Wayne: By o by Sam.
Ray: I didn't think she was ugly.
Wayne: No she's not ugly a-tall Ray.
Sam: (handing over glasses) Here, you needs them worse than I do.
Wayne: No, no I don't Sam. Your wife is not ugly. How do you figger she's ugly? Sam: I'll tell you just how hugly that woman is Chaulkie. She was out stood up in the field last week where we keeps the scarecrow.
Ray: Yes?
Sam: Crows started bringing back stuff from last year.
Wayne: She's fat too, you figger hey?
Sam: Oh, she's fat all right.
Wayne: Does she get any exercise?
Sam: Yeah, from the neck up!
Wayne: Oh by. Gonna have to change the subject, Sam.
Sam: Oh curses. Oh de jumpins. I'm okay. I never wanted that one on there anyway, fold that one down.
Wayne: Get it out of the way b'y.
Wayne: Now listen Sam. Tell us about your brother John. What's he up to by?
Sam: Oh, Johnny. I spose. He's the crackie, Johnny is by.
Wayne: Always got a story.
Sam: Oh my yes, oh Johnny. He was talking to me yesterday. He said to me, he said, “Ralphie”, he said, “I met this old lady; she come up to me and said, ‘Twere it you or your brudder killed overseas in the war?' ” And Johnny, he's right good like that hey?
Wayne: What did he say?
Sam: He come right back and he said, “Well, me brudder Ralphie wasn't over there so I spose it musta been me.” That's Johnny fer ya, b'y, yes that's Johnny.
Wayne: Some clever.
Sam: Oh he's a clever one.
Wayne: Now listen Sam. Do you know what I heard? I heard that the health nurse was going to see you and da wife.
Sam: The public health nurse, yeah, the public health nurse.
Wayne: She was down?
Sam: Yeah, I spose she comes down all the time.
Ray: Why, is there something wrong with you and the woman?
Sam: No, nutting wrong with me and my woman, anyt'ing wrong with you and your woman?
Ray: Well I don't have a nurse coming down to see us.
Sam: Well, you're not cute enough I spose by.
Ray: You mean she's coming down to see you personally like this?
Sam: Well, I spose.
Ray: I realize you're only 85 years of age.
Sam: She's interested in me, put it that way. She's a young one too.
Wayne: She's a young one?
Sam: Yes, she's only 65 hey.
Wayne: Now then, hmm-mm. And you're all flattered?
Sam: I spose by.
Wayne: Well Sam, what sort of stuff is she talking about when she comes down?
Sam: Well, that's the t'ing, see that's the t'ing. I knows what she's on to. Hey? She's talking about the sex and the birth control and all that stuff hey?
Ray: Birth control??
Sam: Yeah. That's not Burt now, that's not Burt, like Burt Control, that's not the same feller.
Wayne: No, no, no. we know, yeah, prevention of
Sam: Yeah right.
Wayne: But Sam, she's talking to you and the wife, you must know all about now, you got all that figgered out now haven't ya?
Sam: Myself and the old woman? Yes sure, my old woman had her cables choked off the past 35 years.
Wayne: She had her tubes tied?
Sam: Tubes tied? Yeah that's what they calls it, tubes tied.
Wayne: I spose, Sam, that's it for the youngsters Sam. No kids after that.
Sam: Oh no, we had Enos, Elsie and Eunice after that, we had three more after that sure.
Ray: Really?
Wayne: Three kids? Were they normal Sam?
Sam: No by, when I tinks about it, I don't believe they was. They're all a bit stunned, hey?
Ray: Stunned. Now why do you think they turned out to be stunned, Uncle Sam?
Sam: By, now as near as I can tell, I don't know but I figger now they probably never got a full load.
Ray: Yes, it takes a while for it to sink in, doesn't it by?
Sam: And that's what it do by.
Ray: Yes, yes.
Sam: That's what it do, takes a little while to sink in.
Wayne: Sam, it's hard to believe, but you're telling me your wife had her tubes tied and it didn't work. Did you try any other method of birth control?
Sam: Oh yes, yes, Chaulkie sure.
Wayne: What else did you do?
Sam: Hey? Sure now meself and the woman, we was, lemme see now, we was on the birth control, the bucket and saucer method.
Ray: The bucket and saucer method? Now I'm familiar with the birth control, but the bucket and saucer method? That's something new is it?
Sam: That is birth control. That is birth control. Bucket and saucer method yes.
Ray: Well, how does it work?
Sam: See you wouldn't know anyt'ing about that because your woman is the same height as you.
Ray: Yes.
Sam: Now see, my old woman, she's a good two feet taller than me.
Ray: No doubt about it, yes.
Sam: Built like an overhead loader. Hey, hey? So I gets up on a bucket. When me eyes gets so big as saucers she kicks it out from under me. And that's what it is b'y.
Wayne: Awful hard on the bucket, Sam.
Sam: Well, 'tis hard on certain other things, too.
Wayne: Yeah. Well now Sam, I'm curious. What else was she talking about? What else did she have to say?
Sam: Sex.
Ray: Now Uncle Sam, I believe it's going a bit too far here now. Birth control I can understand but getting into that, that's kinda personal, isn't it?
Sam: Oh, jumpin' dyin's. No that's not personal.
Ray: Oh?
Sam: No, that's not personal. There's nutting to dat anymore for me sure
Ray: You mean you don't be at it so much?
Sam: No, sure there's nutting left in dat now for me sure past 30 or 40 years. I'm not doing none o'dat, no.
Wayne: Ah, Sam, I don't believe that.
Sam: Well, past 10 year.
Wayne: Yeah, but you haven't cut it out completely.
Sam: No, not completely, no, no. But I don't mind talking about it. Wayne: Of course you don't, it's just as well to be open about it.
Sam: Yes, yes. I've had a lot of practice at it you know.
Wayne: Yeah, yeah. So what did she say?
Sam: Who, da nurse?
Wayne: Yeah. Sam: She told me, now I'll tell ya something, now, Wayne. She said to me “You knows all about them sexual diseases that's going around the country.”
Ray: Yes, and there's lots of them out there, isn't it b'y?
Sam: Oh, there's out there, my son.
Ray: They're a dime a dozen.
Sam: Oh yes, a dime a dozen. And I've had most every one of ‘em too. And I've had gout and polio to boot. Anyway, I said to her, “yes my dear,” and she says, “well” she says now, and I'll tell ya the very words she said Chaulkie, she said, “Sam” she says,
Ray: Yeah, “Sam” she said. What did she say?
Sam: If you mind to give me half a chance I'll tell ya what she said. She said to me, “Now,” she says. Now I don't mind exactly what she said. I don't know the words for it. But what she means is, when we gets it together (slapping hands sound) you knows what I means, hey.
Ray: Oh yes, yes.
Sam: You know, when meself and the woman, you know
Ray: Yes, well that's very similar to back home in Conception Bay. People know it as “getting it on”.
Sam: Oh, do they?
Ray: Yes. Woop-do-doo to that, hey by?
Sam: Woop-do-doo. Now, what do they get at?
Ray: They get it together.
Sam: Now that's what I said, gets it together.
Wayne: What did she say about it, Sam?
Sam: She said “now, when you gets it together,” she said, “I hope you washes up afterwards.”
Ray: Washes up, wash yourselves?
Sam: Do that make any sense to you?
Ray: It certainly do.
Sam: She said to me, she says, “”I hope you washes up afterwards.”
Ray: Now you don't seem to be very serious about that. Sure that's common. You gotta wash yourself after you and the woman gets it together. Most people do!
Sam: No sir, and that's what they don't!
Ray: You don't agree?
Sam: No sir, no sir I don't see no sense in that. I don't.
Ray: Well what's the problem with it?
Sam: No sir, no sir, what do you think Chaulk?
Wayne: Well I'm like Ray. I mean it seems normal to me. What do you think Sam?
Sam: I don't think very much of that I don't.
Wayne: Well, explain
Sam: Well, that's okay for her, she lives in Gander.
Wayne & Ray: Yes?
Sam: They got hot and cold running water up there. What do she expect me to get up 7 or 8 times a night and boil the kettle?
Ray: Uncle Sam Head, ladies and gentlemen!