David Crosby's Sperm, And Why The Hollywood Squares Downsized Me
By Bobcat Goldthwait (2003)
On album I Don't Mean to Insult You, But You Look Like Bobcat Goldthwait (2003)
Go back to your search "that's what makes you different, one in a million you got it you got it"
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Alright, let's give a big hand... for Bobcat Goldthwait!
Alright! Hi! Thank you! Thank you very much! Hi!
You know, I've been in movies and I've been on television, but you don't know what a thrill it is to be in a, uh, almost-filled club! In San Jose! Hi!
Wow! Where should I start? Um... You know what? You don't look the same either!
I lost a lot of weight and I'd like to say this: so many negative things I've said about heroin... no one ever talks about the positive aspects! I'm less moody... No, I'm not really on heroin. Uh... Apparently, if I was, I could've sold my sperm to Melissa Etheridge...
'cause she had a baby with David Crosby's jizz!? Sweet shit! What the fuck was she thinking? Let's forget the fact that he shot dope and took a buttload of acid... exactly, who the fuck did she pass on before she settled on David Crosby's semen?
"Hey, I got some William S. Burroughs jizz! How about some Keith Richards splooge or... Robert Downey Jr. semen?" "Nope! I want the Crosby man-sauce!"
Forget the drugs. She looked at David Crosby and went, "Mmm, mmm, mmm! I hope my childrens look like that fine, fine piece of ass!"
David Crosby, nice enough guy, but, you know, he looks like Ben Franklin fucked a walrus!
How 'bout some Nick Nolte splooge? I- I said Nick Nolte 'cause he... Nick N- Nick Nolte got arrested because he, uh, he was high on GHB. He had given himself GHB... the date rape drug? Uh, commonly known as Budweiser, I guess, in these parts?
Why would you give yourself GHB? He- Like, he- "Your honor, um... people have been telling me to go fuck myself for years... But I thought I'd resist! So I gave myself the GHB..."
"You want it, Nick!" Get away from me! "Shut up, Nick!" Ooowww! Ow! Officer, arrest this hand!
What was I talking about? Oh, David Crosby's sperm. Now, she looked at David Crosby and went, "Mmm, mmm, mmm! Just get a big turkey baster full of that man's splooge and shove it up right up my punani!"
It's quite obvious that I'm not looking for corporate sponsorship. I think these are the jokes that got me fired from the Hollywood Squares.
I got fired from the Hollywood Squares! Do you realize how embarrassing that is? That's like fucking an ugly person and then, right in the middle of it, they stop you and say, "Uh, you gotta go!"
I'm like, "What do you mean, 'I gotta go'? You're the best I can get right now! If this was the '80s, I wouldn't even be here!" I mean, I would be here, in San Jose...
I was big in the '80s. You know, my target audience is people who went, "Fuck! I had Great White tickets!"
I got fired from the Squares. That's what we call it in Hollywood, the Squares. I got fired 'cause nobody would call on me. That's the truth! We used to tape five shows in one day and then you would change your apparel so it looked like a different day. Yeah, Monday through Friday. I don't mean to shatter the illusion or magic of Hollywood, but that's how it was done.
Fifth show, you needed me to win. Two squares left... and the guy called on Judd Nelson. This is a true story! You need me to win! He's like, "Uh... Judd Nelson?" And I snapped. I go, "It's tic-tac-toe, you fucking jackass! Fucking moron! Cock!"
They yank me out of the square. "Don't swear at the contestants!" I go, "Uh, I don't even know I brought a change of clothes! You never even seen me on camera!"
Oh! And then, the other time I got in trouble, they go, "What does Michael Jackson do to relax?" I go, "Oh, I know this one! He likes to blow bubbles!"
And then they got all mad. They go, "Don't do Michael Jackson jokes!" I go, "Well, why not?" They go, "'cause he's really rich and he'll sue us!?" I go, "Uh, uh, I didn't bring him up! It was your question! It's not like you said, 'Who discovered Florida?' and I went, 'Well, there's many theories on that, but first, can I get a joke in about Michael Jackson sucking off his monkey?"
But I can talk about him here tonight, 'cause, uh... This is 21 and over, right? Not that you're old enough to hear this joke, it's just that it's 21 and over and there's no reason he'll come fucking stumbling in here.
You're much, much too old! Is there any amusement parks nearby? No? Then we're safe, right? That Disneyland is the pu pu platter for that creepy pedophile, isn't it? Oh, I'm recording an album. That alleged pedophile... Oops! Who knew he was a priest?
Look! I was- I was an altar boy growing up! I never got hit on once! Catholic Church just reassigns these guys to different parishes after they're convicted of pedophi- What the fuck? I was late three days at Mc
Donald's! They fired me! Apparently, I should've said, "Oh, I'm sorry! I was ass-raping an eight-year-old boy!" "Work the fryer..." "I already did!"
It's obviously a terrible thing and, uh, and abusing children is terrible and, uh... but with the Catholic Church paying out a million, million and a half dollar settlements... I'd let a priest fuck me in the ass right now on this stage! I would- I wouldn't open with it, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause that is what we call in the professional industry of show-
Oh, could you get that? Speaking of dicks in the ass...
Alright, go get it, whatever. I'm not gonna get, uh, you know- that fucking- the phone will ring and the- and the audience will go, "Ah, get on the phone! That oughta be funny!" And it- it never is. It's like, "Hi! I'm Bobcat! You know there's a comedy show going on? What's going on?" You're like, "The baby's not breathing. Where's the Johnson's?" I ain't falling for that again! I wish I had a priest to fuck me in the ass after that happened, ladies and gentlemen!
A lot of you are just looking at me going, "Fuck! I thought he was gonna be the black guy from Police Academy that makes the funny noises! Not this asshole! Not Bob-scratch Gold-farb, or... whatever the hell that freak's name is!"
Alright! Hi! Thank you! Thank you very much! Hi!
You know, I've been in movies and I've been on television, but you don't know what a thrill it is to be in a, uh, almost-filled club! In San Jose! Hi!
Wow! Where should I start? Um... You know what? You don't look the same either!
I lost a lot of weight and I'd like to say this: so many negative things I've said about heroin... no one ever talks about the positive aspects! I'm less moody... No, I'm not really on heroin. Uh... Apparently, if I was, I could've sold my sperm to Melissa Etheridge...
'cause she had a baby with David Crosby's jizz!? Sweet shit! What the fuck was she thinking? Let's forget the fact that he shot dope and took a buttload of acid... exactly, who the fuck did she pass on before she settled on David Crosby's semen?
"Hey, I got some William S. Burroughs jizz! How about some Keith Richards splooge or... Robert Downey Jr. semen?" "Nope! I want the Crosby man-sauce!"
Forget the drugs. She looked at David Crosby and went, "Mmm, mmm, mmm! I hope my childrens look like that fine, fine piece of ass!"
David Crosby, nice enough guy, but, you know, he looks like Ben Franklin fucked a walrus!
How 'bout some Nick Nolte splooge? I- I said Nick Nolte 'cause he... Nick N- Nick Nolte got arrested because he, uh, he was high on GHB. He had given himself GHB... the date rape drug? Uh, commonly known as Budweiser, I guess, in these parts?
Why would you give yourself GHB? He- Like, he- "Your honor, um... people have been telling me to go fuck myself for years... But I thought I'd resist! So I gave myself the GHB..."
"You want it, Nick!" Get away from me! "Shut up, Nick!" Ooowww! Ow! Officer, arrest this hand!
What was I talking about? Oh, David Crosby's sperm. Now, she looked at David Crosby and went, "Mmm, mmm, mmm! Just get a big turkey baster full of that man's splooge and shove it up right up my punani!"
It's quite obvious that I'm not looking for corporate sponsorship. I think these are the jokes that got me fired from the Hollywood Squares.
I got fired from the Hollywood Squares! Do you realize how embarrassing that is? That's like fucking an ugly person and then, right in the middle of it, they stop you and say, "Uh, you gotta go!"
I'm like, "What do you mean, 'I gotta go'? You're the best I can get right now! If this was the '80s, I wouldn't even be here!" I mean, I would be here, in San Jose...
I was big in the '80s. You know, my target audience is people who went, "Fuck! I had Great White tickets!"
I got fired from the Squares. That's what we call it in Hollywood, the Squares. I got fired 'cause nobody would call on me. That's the truth! We used to tape five shows in one day and then you would change your apparel so it looked like a different day. Yeah, Monday through Friday. I don't mean to shatter the illusion or magic of Hollywood, but that's how it was done.
Fifth show, you needed me to win. Two squares left... and the guy called on Judd Nelson. This is a true story! You need me to win! He's like, "Uh... Judd Nelson?" And I snapped. I go, "It's tic-tac-toe, you fucking jackass! Fucking moron! Cock!"
They yank me out of the square. "Don't swear at the contestants!" I go, "Uh, I don't even know I brought a change of clothes! You never even seen me on camera!"
Oh! And then, the other time I got in trouble, they go, "What does Michael Jackson do to relax?" I go, "Oh, I know this one! He likes to blow bubbles!"
And then they got all mad. They go, "Don't do Michael Jackson jokes!" I go, "Well, why not?" They go, "'cause he's really rich and he'll sue us!?" I go, "Uh, uh, I didn't bring him up! It was your question! It's not like you said, 'Who discovered Florida?' and I went, 'Well, there's many theories on that, but first, can I get a joke in about Michael Jackson sucking off his monkey?"
But I can talk about him here tonight, 'cause, uh... This is 21 and over, right? Not that you're old enough to hear this joke, it's just that it's 21 and over and there's no reason he'll come fucking stumbling in here.
You're much, much too old! Is there any amusement parks nearby? No? Then we're safe, right? That Disneyland is the pu pu platter for that creepy pedophile, isn't it? Oh, I'm recording an album. That alleged pedophile... Oops! Who knew he was a priest?
Look! I was- I was an altar boy growing up! I never got hit on once! Catholic Church just reassigns these guys to different parishes after they're convicted of pedophi- What the fuck? I was late three days at Mc
Donald's! They fired me! Apparently, I should've said, "Oh, I'm sorry! I was ass-raping an eight-year-old boy!" "Work the fryer..." "I already did!"
It's obviously a terrible thing and, uh, and abusing children is terrible and, uh... but with the Catholic Church paying out a million, million and a half dollar settlements... I'd let a priest fuck me in the ass right now on this stage! I would- I wouldn't open with it, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause that is what we call in the professional industry of show-
Oh, could you get that? Speaking of dicks in the ass...
Alright, go get it, whatever. I'm not gonna get, uh, you know- that fucking- the phone will ring and the- and the audience will go, "Ah, get on the phone! That oughta be funny!" And it- it never is. It's like, "Hi! I'm Bobcat! You know there's a comedy show going on? What's going on?" You're like, "The baby's not breathing. Where's the Johnson's?" I ain't falling for that again! I wish I had a priest to fuck me in the ass after that happened, ladies and gentlemen!
A lot of you are just looking at me going, "Fuck! I thought he was gonna be the black guy from Police Academy that makes the funny noises! Not this asshole! Not Bob-scratch Gold-farb, or... whatever the hell that freak's name is!"
Go back to your search "that's what makes you different, one in a million you got it you got it"
Not the right song? Post your comment for help
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