"I Am American"

I got this in an email from a friend. It's one of several "I AM ...", but I thought the American one was the funniest:

> I AM AMERICAN
>
> Wassup...
> I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or well-liked.
> And I don't live in a safe place, eat a balanced diet, or drive very
>well.
> I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg,
> although I'm pretty sure they were American.
>
> I drink beer, not water, I am outspoken, not opinionated,
> Guns settle disputes, not discussions.
> Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing,
> And it's pronounced RUFF, not ROOF.
>
> I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack, unless I go
>somewhere.
> Burger King IS fine dining. Washing after peeing is for LOSERS,
> Twinkies and Moon Pies ARE GOOD for breakfast,
> I have a SHED, NOT a GARAGE, and WWF ACTION IS REAL!
>
> The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is the ONLY country in the world,
> The FIRST nation of IGNORANCE,
> And the BEST part of SOUTH AMERICA!!
> MY NAME IS JIM-BOB, I am married to my sister,
> AND I AM AMERICAN!!!!!!!