Ghost Ship

See the lonely township, peacefully sleeping.
The sun hides once again behind the sea.
Most are safely dreaming:
Angel kisses... (Makes "kiss kiss kiss... flutter flutter flutter" noises)

(Pause)

They might be dreaming... butterflies...
BWARK! BWARK! BWARK!

Mate...
It's very close-up.

(Pause)

But sinners can't escape so easily.
The murderers, the thieves, and the fradulent.
The overweight, the working-class, the foreigners.
Urgh!
hey all must beware, for what's that looming there?
An evil spectre on the sea!

Wooooaw!

Ghost Ship! Ghost Ship! Ghost Ship!
Coming to get them
Ghost Ship!
Sinners, beware!
Ghost Ship!
Ain't no escaping the Ghost Ship coming there
Toot toot!

(Pause)

What was that?
It's the sound of the Ghost Ship - Toot toot!
It's supposed to be scary!
TOOT TOOT.
No... it's... it's a fucking spectral galleon of doom,
it's supposed to be really disturbing.
Yeah, really disturbing.
Milky discharge.
Oh!
Yeah!
That's disturbing, yeah!

Its masts are made of piled-up skulls,
Its decks are made of human nuts.
Its sails are made of sailor skin.
Its guts are made of guts!

It's a feat of engineering.
I wonder who built it?
I wonder who built it as well, Yonny.

Out of the night, under the ocean stars,
I was standing with my baby on the boardwalk, and the Ghost Ship was there.
I took her to the pictures,
And then I took her home, yeah!
And then I took her to heaven, you know what I mean...
And it was kind of dirty, and we got the Glad Wrap,
woohoo, and it was full on, you know, sexy!

(Audience laughter)

Sorry... hey, sorry mate, I'm going to go with the chuckles
and suggest that a few of the punters have spotted the same inconsistency that I've...
that I've picked up. Now, ummm, mate...
how did this go from being a song about
a horrible sort of D&D-style ghost ship...
Yeah...
To a song that's... I'd characterise as a bit more about you and your girlfriend and some Glad Wrap?

Oh, yeah well, I was thinking, when we started the song,
that I think the guys in the audience really go for that sort of
"Iron Maiden"-y kind of "oooh, Ghost Ship, ooga-booga",
that sort of stuff, they love that; dark, you know, shit.
But... umm... I think we're leaving someone out.
'Cause as soon as you talk about love, in a song, now... you have the ladies listening.

'Cause the girls, right, they want to imagine they're making love to the singer.

(Audience laughter)

They're not supposed to laugh at that.
Yeah.
Okay, now go with me guys, I swear to God it's good... ready?
Yeah.
One-ie and a two-ie and a three-four.

Ghost Ship!
My baby kisses like a...
Ghost Ship!
I touched my baby on her...
Ghost Ship!
My trousers are bursting...

Sorry, I'm sorry, hold the phone, time out.
Gatesy, "I touched my baby on her Ghost Ship"?
Yeah! Whooo!
I mean... where exactly is a woman's "Ghost Ship"?
Don't you know?
Oh, no, no, no, I know.
You don't know.
I know... I know for sure, I just... they might have a
different word for it here or something, in Brisbane.
"Sea Cat"
"Sea Cat"? That's one amphibious pussy, I swear to God.

No, it makes sense.
No, sorry.
The sexy thing.
There's no sexy woman in this song.
What do you want, then?

You appall me. I was just going to say though, I think, umm...
I think you've got something with this whole, you know,
"let's make this song appeal more to women". I think it's a great idea.

It's not, it's bullshit.

No, listen up, but I think,
I just want to say I think you're going about it the wrong way,
you're a bit, sort of... forceful?

Ah, yeah, I think it needs to be...
you've gotta, you know, tell 'em what they want to hear, you know?
Get inside the head of a female girl.
I'll give you example of what I mean. After two - one, two.

Ghost Ship!
Expressing my feelings...
Ghost Ship!
Being a good listener...
Ghost Ship!
A thoughtful companion...

I don't even know what this song's about any more!
It's about foreplay.
Yeah.
NO! It's not about foreplay! It's not, it's about a literal galleon of doom with...
if there's any women on it, they're horrid spectres of disaster, okay?
Oh, okay.
Yeah, but what are they wearing? Sort of, like, leather chaps,
kind of with a cowboy hat? And some kind of nonsensical European...

(An audience member gets up and leaves)

A bit too much for this little fella.
Oooh, he's going.
I think we've just given him a bit of a boner.
He's off.
Somebody give him a jacket.
Yes!

He's going to walk all the way through the centre...
"I didn't know it was going to be one of those 'sexy-type' shows".
"I'd better phone my wife".
"Honey, I am thinking of you..."
"... in a round-about way..."
"... as a leather cowboy."
"What are you wearing?"


No! All right, it's not about any of those things that that bloke and you reckon it's about,
it's about a... if there's a woman on the Ghost Ship,
it's because she's a sinner. Okay?
So it's sort of, it's an Ozzie Osbourne kind of thing.

My baby's a sinner, she's gonna be dragged away...
But not before I bone her on the boardwalk till the morning comes!
I bought a sentimental card, with flowers and a pink desi-i-ign.
She'll be torn apart by demons...
While she's touching my buns!

Come on, Gatesy!

Ghost Ship!
A caring environment...
Ghost Ship!
A den of the damned...
Ghost Ship!
Overtly sexual...

Murderous!
Empathy!
Nude!
Banshees!
Thoughtful!
Arse!

Ghost Ship!